"A Christmas Prince:" A Christmas Movie Recap (Part 1)
I first became aware of Netflix's original holiday movie "A Christmas Prince" via a full-page promotion, waiting for me on the homescreen like a little yuletide cheeseball.
"Christmas comes early for an aspiring young journalist when she’s sent abroad to get the scoop on a dashing prince who’s poised to be king," the synopsis read.
I screamed a little.
I enjoy a bad holiday movie - Hallmark Channel flicks with Candace Cameron Bure are my special favorites - and this one sounded terrible, plus the protagonist was a journalist! There was going to be so much here to both relate to and feel aggravated by! I gleefully added it to my "to-watch" list, then promptly forgot about it until this week, when my reporter friends started complaining about it on Twitter. Being a reporter also, I then decided that this movie would be excellent blog fodder (#content), and so here we are on my blog.
(Hello! Welcome!)
A few quick details before we dive into the recap:
I both watched this movie and wrote this post sober. I do not recommend that you do the same. (Wine will help, people. Liquor will probably help more.)
This movie is bad. Even Netflix doesn't seem to like it.
Because of that, I believe that all of the snark contained in this post is warranted.
But it's OK if you don't think so! However, I urge you to bow out now if you genuinely liked or enjoyed this movie. I do not want to ruin your warm holiday feelings about "A Christmas Prince," even if I suspect that maybe those feelings are less about the movie and more about you drinking too much eggnog before you watched it.
(I'm not judging you. I should have done the same.)
Just go.
We will not talk about you behind your back.
(Probably.)
Merry Christmas, and all of that.
K, here we go. I hope you have wine.
--
I was feeling quite happy during the opening credits and the first two sentences in my notes reflect this optimism:
"I have high hopes because it’s snowing in New York! What could go wrong??"
That last photo, of the Plaza Hotel peeking over a snow-covered Central Park, really made me feel OK about this whole endeavor. "Kevin McAllister and his family could be in there right now, celebrating their participation in a much better Christmas movie!" I mused. "Their theoretical presence, surely, will help this one!"
But lo, there was no McAllister magic, and 30 seconds later we land in the high-powered offices of Beat Now magazine.
Or maybe it's Now Beat? The logo is unclear. I understand it to be some sort of celebrity gossip thing, based on the opening conversation about a fashion-week article that has all! Kinds! Of Problems! Amber, our heroine, is trying to explain to the writer all of these problems, the biggest being that it's twice the length it was supposed to be. Cutting copy from an article might be what you'd consider A Job For An Editor (Like Amber For Example), and perhaps for that reason, said writer gives zero fucks about Amber and her blibbity blabbing.
Amber is super upset that he will not listen to her non-problems because it means she will have to do a "major re-write" of a puff piece about celebrity fashion that is going to take TEN MINUTES, TOPS.
"This is not what I expected when I came to work at Beat Now (Now Beat?) magazine."
THE HUMANITY.
Amber goes back to her desk and pouts about how she is never going to become A Real Journalist, but her pity party is interrupted when the editor-in-chief calls to request that Amber haul her non-real-journalist butt into this concrete-and-glass dungeon of an office.
At least if the End Times happen during this movie, everyone in the office will survive.
In a Convenient Plot Summary, the editor asks Amber what she knows about the royal family of Aldovia. Just the basics, really, Amber says - that the king died a year ago and his son Prince Richard, who's next in line for the throne, is a major flake and an international playboy who skipped town prior to his father's death. Aldovia allows a maximum of one year between reigns, a period that will expire on Christmas, and no one's sure if the renegade prince is going to come back in time to assume the throne.
"If the prince is MIA, what happens?" Amber posits. The editor smirks.
"That's exactly what you're gonna find out," she says.
So I'm like, "Cool cool, she'll call the palace press office and ask what happens if the prince fails to assume the throne or actually she could probably find that information by Googling; this will take like maybe 20 minutes," but THEN the editor says she needs "boots on the ground" on this "major story" and Amber, who has never written a story for this (or any other) magazine, will be heading to Aldovia to cover a press conference in person!
I am confused. QUESTIONS:
Why is an American celebrity gossip magazine sending someone there at all? (Beat Now (Now Beat?) readers must care deeply about the royal politics of Aldovia, I guess?) And if it's important enough to send someone, why are you sending this person who has never written a story for your magazine, let alone covered an international story that you suspect is going to be huge? (Also, damn, Beat Now (Now Beat?) magazine, what kind of editorial budget are you working with? Should I come work for you? I can write about Aldovia? I have actual experience? Call me?)
Amber, also confused, asks why she's getting this plum assignment. Turns out none of the "regular writers" can go this week, although it stands to reason that if it's worth flying someone to Europe and paying for lodging, it's probably worth reassigning someone or at least calling in an experienced stringer. No? Anyone?
I guess not.
Amber prepares for her assignment by going online (to the 2007 internet, from the looks of it) to read articles about the prince, including this one about how he went "rogue" on a "Caribbean adventure," illustrated by a large photo of him in a winter coat and hat sitting on the edge of a fountain holding a smartphone.
Thrilling stuff.
After some soul-searching about whether it's OK to be away from her dad on Christmas (being hesitant to work holidays is a surefire way to get ahead in journalism!), Amber hops on a United flight to Aldovia. She exits the airport to find a crowd of reporters waiting for the prince!
Instead of joining them, Amber decides to grab a cab. (NEWS JUDGMENT: SPOT ON!) She's finally at the front of the line when this bearded ragamuffin cuts in front of her and steals her cab!
Amber (who lives and works in Manhattan) cannot even believe how rude this is! Appalled, she seeks comfort from the other people in line. Bangs lady seems pretty sympathetic, but bearded guy just wants Amber to shut up.
Bald guy is all of us.
Later, Amber joins up with the press convoy to head to the palace for the big press conference. A disgruntled royal reporter on the van tells her to consider a different career, which so far is my favorite thing to happen in this movie.
The vans pull up in front of this bomb-ass castle
where this statue of Captain Obvious is waiting to greet everyone!
The trip is for naught, though - when the reporters get inside, they're informed that the press conference has been canceled. The palace spokesman says Prince Richard isn't avoiding the media and that the coronation ceremony will take place as scheduled, but he won't be giving any interviews. Dejected, Amber exits the palace, giving us our first glimpse of the super-professional attire she wore to an actual castle on her very first assignment as a journalist.
WHY YES, THOSE ARE SKINNY JEANS AND CHUCK TAYLORS!
I just. Why.
Instead of getting back into the press caravan, Amber decides to PURSUE THE STORY by sneaking back into the palace. Once inside, she wanders aimlessly around the hall, taking photos of paintings and chandeliers.
"I am Doing Journalism," I imagine her thinking to herself. "This photo of a random suit of armor will launch my career and thus is worth trespassing for."
While she's taking her 64th identical shot of this stupid suit of armor, a palace employee spots her. Amber, having totally come in here for a specific purpose that she absolutely thought about ahead of time, plays it super cool.
Fortunately for her, this guy is also bad at his job, and upon hearing her American accent assumes that she's the new tutor for Princess Emily. Because yes! That is the most likely explanation for an unattended person wandering around taking photos while wearing a half-visible press badge!
He's so clearly proud to have solved this unsolvable mystery that I almost want to root for him, but I can't, on account of he's a moron.
He whisks her away to see Mrs. Averill, whose job title remains elusive for the entire movie but who, I gather, is some kind of palace executive. When we first meet her she is dealing with very important matters such as, "The queen wants more poinsettias in the atrium." She is not psyched to see Amber, because Emily's tutor wasn't due to arrive for another two weeks.
Amber super smoothly is like, "Oh right, no, I came early, but I can leave," but then Stretch McUnprofessional chimes in to remind Mrs. Averill that Princess Emily is kind of a pain in the ass and maybe it would be nice for the queen if there was someone there to occupy her, HINT HINT. Mrs. Averill caves and takes Amber to meet the queen, casually calling the press "parasites" on the way.
Amber remains super chill!
The duo arrive in the queen's quarters to find her talking to the prince AND YOU WILL NOT EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE IT BUT HE IS THE BEARDED GUY FROM THE AIRPORT WHO STOLE AMBER'S CAB!!!!!!
THIS IS A PLOT TWIST I DID NOT SEE COMING NO SIR!!!
Fortunately, like most super-rich royal people, the prince is merely amused at the fact that Amber yelled at him and called him names in public, so no big deal. Flustered, Amber then remembers that she's supposed to curtsey to the queen. And then she does this.
Everyone is appropriately horrified. Luckily, Princess Emily chooses this moment to burst in the room, diverting everyone's attention. She has a disability/uses crutches, and we quickly learn that the queen is super protective of her, and that Emily has run off myriad tutors before, and that she has approximately zero time for Amber, particularly after she addresses the princess as 'Emily' rather than 'your royal highness.'
Princess Emily will cut a bitch!
The queen instructs Mrs. Averill to show Amber to her room. Instead of walking out like a normal human, Amber inexplicably attempts to exit the parlor by backing out of it and runs right into a vase, which topples off its stand and shatters.
The vase, the queen informs her, was 15th-century Ming porcelain. Still, no one seems that bothered that she ruined it, probably because it was a stupid idea to leave a priceless artifact on a wobbly stand with no protection and probably also because they will just behead someone for it later.
In her room, Amber calls her editor and breathlessly explains that she's gained "undercover" access to the palace, and the royal family, by lying about her identity. This is strictly against every single journalistic code of ethics - you can't misrepresent yourself to get a story, and you can't publish or use information that you've obtained by misrepresenting yourself - but do you think Amber's editor cares?
No. Her literal response is, "WHO CARES?"
Sure! Who cares! Trust in the press is tenuous among large factions of the population, and this tactic goes against literally everything that reputable journalists stand for, but who cares! It doesn't matter that this is a legal gray area and you could go to jail and that a story written based on information gained on false pretenses could ruin your career and maybe also your life! It's 2017 and NOTHING MATTERS! Go on with your bad self, Amber!
Amber's first tutoring session with the princess takes place the next morning, in this bomb study with jars of colored pencils and a manual typewriter I would like to steal (but wouldn't, because I'm not Amber).
They start with math, but obviously Amber can't understand it because she's a reporter and reporters can't do math. (True.)
Somehow, she and Emily start discussing Emily's disability, which we learn is spina bifida. They have a serious heart to heart and are now best friends, I guess. Then Amber peeks through the curtains, notices Prince Richard playing with an archery set, and suggests they get some "fresh air." Once outside, Amber notices that the prince has shaved his beard. She cannot even deal with the sight of his naked face.
The scene (in which Emily makes a dick joke! Kids!) culminates with the prince and Emily encouraging Amber to try her hand at archery. This of course means that Richard must stand behind her to help her aim, pressing his princely body into hers.
Having his newly naked face this close to her is just more than Amber can handle. Distracted, she shoots the arrow through a window and right into this painting of a horse-and-Zach-Galifianakis-hybrid beast thing. (And also she almost kills Mrs. Averill, but seriously, this painting.)
Everyone's all, "Whoops!"
Then they just run away and even though Mrs. Averill clearly sees them through the broken window, there are no consequences, because it's 2017 and nothing matters. Later, Amber skypes her colleagues for help with Emily's math assignment. Because her colleagues also work in journalism, they obviously cannot help her with math.
(Emily is doomed.)
But who even cares because right then Emily comes in to invite Amber to a cocktail party the royal family is hosting for "esteemed members of the nobility." Mrs. Averill is frankly not having this shit - peasant tutors who wear sneakers don't belong at fancy cocktail parties!!!!! - but Emily outranks her so she has to roll with it. She flawlessly hides her distaste.
And what does our heroine wear to said fancy royal cocktail party?
A nightgown over a turtleneck, obviously.
Amber spends the party totally blending in by ~casually~ taking photos of everything with her phone,
eavesdropping, and refusing to eat jellied meat. Eventually Emily comes in and saves her by taking her to a room full of cookies, and it is there that we meet Simon, Prince Richard's snotty annoying cousin.
Simon's a dick - he calls Amber a chambermaid and insists that she address him by his royal title - and everyone hates him, but it turns out that he's next in line for the throne because he's the nearest relative, after Richard, in the "male blood line." Emily, a direct descendant of the king who is not eligible for the throne due to having a vagina, thinks this is total bullshit.
Emily is not wrong.
(Let's also pause here to acknowledge that this little factoid - that Cousin Simon is next in the line of succession and will assume the throne if Richard abdicates - is the grand mystery that Amber was sent here to solve. An American magazine flew a newbie reporter to Europe to get this elusive scoop about royal protocol that the palace press office would have answered in a two-minute phone call. But OK!)
Armed with this earth-shattering information, Amber once again skypes her unhelpful colleagues to tell them she's not sure there's any more to find out. The prince is a super nice guy! She doesn't think there's any dirt to dig up! Her unhelpful colleagues are unimpressed.
"Where there's a tiara, there's dirt," the sassy male one says. They are also pretty sure that Amber is in love with the prince, but she's like, "No guys I am a totally serious journalist and I am totally not in love with him."
The next day, she proves it by skulking around listening to him play Christmas music on the piano while making this face!
She's shooting video (~casual), and I'm legit not sure if it's for her story or for her personal use. (Also, this is super duper illegal - she's lying about her identity to trespass on private property and is recording someone in their own home without their consent. But who cares! Nothing matters!)
The prince sees her and she has the good sense to stop recording, and they bond a little over their sad parent stories (her mom died of leukemia, his dad is dead too!). She tries to get some dirt on whether he's going to assume the throne or leave it behind to continue his "playboy lifestyle," which kind of offends him. He leaves shortly after, saying the queen is waiting for him. Amber is all
but probably just because she realizes that she's a terrible interviewer and not because she has a crush on this guy and just made him feel bad. I bet.
She gets another crack at him later, at a cocktail party dedicated to decorating the palace Christmas tree with truly awful ornaments handmade by the king.
This one is an elephant.
This one is an enormous acorn.
There's a reason this tree is hidden away in a random room in this castle, methinks.
Anyway, they discuss holiday traditions - Amber's all revolve around honoring her dead mom - when this little dish saunters in wearing silk stockings with a visible seam up the back!
Her name is Lady Sofia, and the queen invited her to spend Christmas with them! Simon (who is drunk) is super excited to see her, but Richard (who is sober) is very clearly not.
Lady Sofia, cornered by drunk Simon, is similarly unexcited once she spots Amber, who's chosen this attire for her second fancy royal cocktail party.
...
Lady Sofia presents the queen with a silver heart ornament she's brought for their tree. She asks Richard to hang it, telling him, "Be gentle with it."
THE SYMBOLISM, IT IS NOT LOST ON ME.
Fittingly, look who appears to open the next scene!!!!!
IT'S CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Nice timing, sir!
We're then treated to our first glimpse of Amber's super duper serious reporter notes.
I wish we could have seen Notes 1 and 2, tbh.
Amber's journalistic process is interrupted when Emily comes in. Turns out Emily went snoopin' on Amber's laptop and knows that she is NOT EVEN A TUTOR AT ALL, BUT A REPORTER!
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!
But it doesn't matter, of course, because nothing matters. Emily isn't going to tell on her as long as Amber writes "the truth" about the prince. Everything out there about him is a total lie! He is not a playboy! He is not a flake! Emily is totally not a biased source on this, and the TRUTH MUST BE TOLD, and who better to tell the truth than this trustworthy reporter who has been lying to Emily and her family the whole time?!
Under the guise of this new agreement, Amber asks Emily what's up with Lady Sofia. She and Richard used to be a thing, Emily says, but they're not anymore, and Simon only likes her because Richard's already had her, or something. Then they bake cookies and bond over the loss of their respective parents.
Elsewhere, Sofia tries to convince Richard that she totally still loves him and it is totally not, in any way, because he is about to become king. Richard is not, I would say, receptive to this message.
The next day at a charity benefit for a local orphanage, Prince Richard skips out on delivering the scheduled closing remarks. The press is all, "THIS FUCKER AGAIN."
They immediately start asking if this means the coronation will be postponed. While the queen deflects, Amber and Emily discover that Richard has missed the remarks because he's playing with the children from the orphanage.
He's drawn them into a somewhat morbid game of building a snowman and then sentencing the snowman to death via firing squad but NO MATTER! Amber is now convinced that the prince is a swell guy! He likes children! ROYALS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!
~Casual~
The next day, Amber takes Emily on a tobogganing adventure, during which they both squeeze onto this preposterously small and flimsy toboggan and attempt to slide down a literal mountain.
It doesn't work very well because Amber is too heavy and she has to keep her legs flailed out awkwardly and also because that toboggan is made of popsicle sticks, but the whole thing serves its main purpose, which is to allow Richard, atop a literal black steed, to happen upon them having fun.
The girls wipe out and while they're trying to get up Richard starts a snowball fight. It is exceedingly long. Much of it happens in slow motion.
Eventually, Richard falls on top of Amber, and it is then, YOU CAN JUST TELL, that they realize that they love each other.
This is how life works, obviously. (Inexplicably, despite this relationship being its foregone conclusion, there are still 50 minutes left in this movie.)
Conveniently, Sofia and Simon happen by on a sleigh ride and see the snowball fight in progress. Sofia gets her panties in a wad because she senses that Richard might like the peasant tutor and vows to dig up some dirt on Amber. "Something's just not right," she sniffs. "Hasn't he seen her sneakers?"
Back at the castle, a groundskeeper has informed the queen that Amber took Emily sledding. She appears on the stairs, resplendent in purple velvet, and I thought some shit was gonna go down, like maybe a beheading or some "kiss the ring" demands, but it turns out that she likes how happy Emily seems and asks only that Amber request permission next time.
I thought about not including this scene because it's pretty inconsequential, except for two things - first, it demonstrates how Amber is totally changing the whole vibe of the royals by reminding them that life does go on after the death of a loved one. And second, it contains arguably the worst line of the entire movie. (Grab your liquor, you're gonna need it.)
"You might give serious thought to inviting your queen on your tobogganing expeditions," she says, then pauses, as if knowing that this next bit will kill me. "I happen to know my way around a bobsled."
...
Honestly, I may not have recovered from this, except that we are right away treated to MORE OF AMBER'S SUPER DUPER SERIOUS REPORTER NOTES!!!!! NOTES 4.5, to be exact - for those notes that have evolved past NOTES 4 but are not quiiiiite up to NOTES 5 caliber.
I cannot tell you how many of my story notes contain phrases exactly like this, including but not limited to, "Have to find out!!!!" and "Have to figure out what's going on in his head...." Shit is legit, people.
Later, the prince is once again saddling up his steed to go commune with nature or whatever it is rich people do on horses that cost more than my house. Amber's there creeping, of course.
~Casual~
The prince rides off and Amber spies an extra horse in the stable and, presumably remembering her written vow to "dig deeper," decides to saddle it up and ride after him.
IT'S NOT CREEPY AND WEIRD AND PROBABLY ILLEGAL, IT'S JOURNALISM, OK?
Also, please look at this shot of the prince and the subsequent aerial shot of someone who is totally also the prince, with the same hair color and everything, riding through the snow.
Netflix, y'all didn't even try.
Despite this being a well-thought-out plan that had an identifiable goal, Amber somehow loses the prince's tracks. "I hope you know where you're going," she tells the horse. The horse is like, "Actually not, I'm a horse," and then he throws her off and runs away!
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Despite being, like, super smart and resourceful, Amber cannot figure out what to do. (It does not, for whatever reason, occur to her to head back to the palace on foot following the very clear hoofprints left by the horse on their way out there, for example.) It does, however, occur to her to flail around in the waning daylight, and that is just as useful and productive.
Later (hours? minutes? I have lost all sense of time and reality?), as she's still stomping around ineffectually, A WILD WOLF APPEARS.
I am not sure what you're supposed to do if you encounter a wolf, honestly, but I am pretty sure that this
is not the correct response.
AND THIS IS WHERE WE PAUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?! Will Amber survive? Will she get mauled by the wolf? Will she ever find her way out of the woods?! WILL THE QUEEN EVER GET TO GO TOBOGGANING? (SHE KNOWS HER WAY AROUND A BOBSLED!) The answers to these questions and more in Part 2, which will be posted tomorrow if I can summon enough wine and resolve to get through the rest of this terrible, terrible movie.
