My blog and my website and my resume are all way overdue for a big overhaul, and in general I tend to think a lot (too much) before I write anything here for public consumption, but so much time spent alone just makes me want to write and so here I am, trying to do that in the absence of aesthetic perfection.

Because the messiness and the randomness and the spontaneity is fine, really. It’s what life really is.

So: I am, I think, the loneliest I have ever been, or at least close to the only other time I could claim that (in 2011, in a one-room apartment in my hometown).

Madison, Wis. 2011; a half-hearted attempt to make anywhere feel like home (film, cross-processed)

I had surgery in April, and my best friend came to stay with us for two weeks after to help out. Until she left I had not realized a number of things: that we had not spent that much time together since we met as roommates in New York 15 years ago, that I had not had someone here to specifically take care of me since my children were born, and that despite living here for nearly four years I still have not made friends of that magnitude (that last point being unfair, of course, for a number of reasons, but still). Her departure also coincided with my husband going back to the office full-time, which meant that suddenly I was very much alone for most of my waking hours. And instead of that feeling like a reprieve—a year ago, I would have given anything for even a moment of solitude—it felt so isolating. Almost suffocating, in a way; an entirely different feeling than working from home with toddlers underfoot, but a type of suffocation nonetheless.

That was five weeks ago and I am doing better now, but I am still lonely. I combat this however I can: a lot of text messages and phone calls with people I love, some of them emotional and full of honesty about how I am feeling, others very lighthearted and dumb about things like game shows and politicians. A lot of ridiculous online conversations about ridiculous things (honestly, a lot of them focus on Taylor Swift?). Slack messages with one coworker about only pop culture topics (we are both unexpectedly but very invested in Kourtney and Travis). A group chat with other reporters at work. Several visits from my fully-vaccinated parents (motivated more by their desire to see my kids than to see me, as it should be, but I take what I can get). Calling and texting my husband during the day when I just need to say that I wish he was here. As many White House shifts as I can take; one of the only things that gets me, reliably, out of the house and into society, feeling like I am doing something important (even if it’s actually just standing on the sidewalk in Georgetown waiting for the president to exit his church).

I am trying to take more photos but after getting a dozen rolls developed last month I realized that I had actually never stopped doing that; I had just switched entirely to film, which delayed, somehow, the process of remembering it. I like this about film, actually—it prevents the instant gratification and auto-curation that is a prerequisite of every other type of media we consume now—and reviewing hundreds of images from the last year was a nice reminder that there are moments of grace and beauty all the time, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Maybe especially then.

I am half-vaccinated (my second shot is this week) and while I do not expect being inoculated to drastically change our habits—my first priority will always be to protect my children, who as of now are not old enough to receive the vaccine—I am hopeful that there will at least be some opportunities to reconnect in person with other vaccinated people. I would especially like to hug the friends I do have here, and to further develop those friendships, and to seize every chance I see to be, and feel, a little less alone.

All of that to say, I guess, that if any of this sounds familiar to you, you’re not alone in feeling alone. And that I can promise that there are still moments of gold and light threaded through these solo hours, if you can just remember to watch out for them now and then.

Oh, and: if you, too, find yourself with a surprising amount of random thoughts about Taylor Swift, I’m here for you.

after so much time