under attack
Last Wednesday I was walking out of the grocery store when an enormous wasp swooped down and stung me in the face.
THE FACE OF SOMEONE WHO HAS JUST GIVEN UP.
RIGHT IN THE FACE! WTF.
I stopped at the grocery store on my way back to the office after visiting man-made beehives for a story I was working on, which is probably the best/worst part of the whole ordeal and also definitive proof that bees > wasps.
I spent an hour standing two feet away from literally thousands of honey bees doing their business. I looked at their freshly made honey, I ogled their brood (baby bee larvae), I oohed and ahhed over their honeycomb.
THIS CLOSE. The dark yellow papery comb in the middle right is the brood; the dark spots are the baby bees waiting to hatch!
Even though the beekeeper was dismantling their home so that I could see inside/act like a creepy rubbernecker, not one bee stung me or even seemed to care that I was there. Bees! Not jerks!
And then I stopped at the store to get a soda and somehow offended the mother of all wasps. That thing hung off my cheek by its stinger, flailing around for a good 10 seconds before dislodging itself and flying away. This is probably the wasp version of giving someone the finger. I AM TRAUMATIZED.
I had never been stung by anything before and now that I have, I'm confused why anyone ever talks about anything other than being stung. Because it hurts. It felt like someone had punched me in the jaw while wearing a glove lined with hypodermic needles, or like a nurse had drawn blood from my face but spent 10 minutes hunting around for a vein first.
more accurate depiction
When I got back to the office I did some research on wasps and discovered that they are basically the total a-holes of the insect world. Here are some reasons why:
1. They do not make anything or pollinate anything, they just build scary hives and fly around looking for things to kill, like perfectly pleasant summer afternoons and also my face.
2. Many species of wasps are parasitoids, which means that the females lay eggs on other insects. When they hatch, the evil wasp larvae then eat that insect.
3. Wasps don't lose their stingers when they attack you the way bees do, which means they can - and often do - sting multiple times during the same attack. This explains why there was no stinger embedded in my face. It also means my attacker is still on the loose. BEWARE, EVERYONE WHO BUYS GROCERIES.
In general April was not the best month for me. In the past four weeks I have:
2. killed my brand-new iPhone by dropping it in the toilet
3. said goodbye to my iPod, which died mysteriously on its own (probably to avoid dying by my hands)
4. suffered at least three blistering curling-wand burns
5. GOT STUNG IN THE FACE BY AN EVIL WASP
6. sliced my finger while cutting basil. It will not heal. But I bought some hipster Band-Aids, so I am least trying to make the best of that one.
That pink spot on my middle finger is the remnants of one curling-wand burn, FYI.
In summary I am not sad to see April go. Fingers (blistered and bleeding) crossed that May is better for my belongings, my wallet, and my sanity.