A primer on what this is and why it’s here and also a reminder that Joey Potter sucks.
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Pacey and Dawson start off episode 10 (real title: "High-Risk Behavior") by having an intense discussion about how they've really been in love this whole time. Clearly, they are rehearsing lines for Dawson's dumb movie, but it's supposed to be a big ~clever reveal~ when Dawson ostensibly leans in for a kiss only to reach for a script instead of Pacey's mouth. WOW I NEVER SAW IT COMING
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I'm so sorry for the unannounced break in Dawson's Creek action. Work has been insane the past two weeks and I chose to spend my little free time making dinner and talking to my husband instead of hanging out in Capeside. (10/10, would choose again.) I'll be hitting the creek again next week! LOVE YOU. MEAN IT.
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Episode 9 (real title: "The Election") kicks off in Dawson's room, where Jen is reading the script for his new stupid movie. She appears to be sober, which seems like a bad life choice.
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Season 2, episode 8 (real title: "The Reluctant Hero") kicks off with Dawson watching It's a Wonderful Life. I think? Maybe it's To Kill A Mockingbird?
I have not watched many old movies in my life, I guess. Whatever. Pacey is there and he doesn't know or care what movie it is either. He is bored and just wants to take all of the pepperoni off the pizza and eat it on one slice. I totally relate to this and endorse Pacey's priorities.
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Season 2, Episode 7 (real title: "The All-Nighter") opens with Dawson in his room with his mom, watching a Liz Taylor movie and talking about Shakespeare. His mom is crying, because that is the appropriate reaction to hanging out in Dawson's room watching a Liz Taylor movie and talking about Shakespeare.
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Season 2, Episode 6 (real title: "Dance") opens in Dawson's room, with an overalls-clad Andie dancing along to Footloose while everyone stares at her like she has four heads.
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Season 2, Episode 5 (real title: "Full Moon Rising," pour some out for CCR) opens with Joey and Dawson sitting on the roof gazing at the moon, which is almost full but not quite full. That's fine with Joey, who says it’s a "scientific fact" that strange things always happen during a full moon because we’re made up mostly of water.
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The real title of this episode is "Tamara's Return" and I got VERY EXCITED not only because I like Tamara (in spite of her propensity to commit statutory rape) but also because she is BFF with MEL FREAKIN' SILVER and so I thought maybe he would make a cameo and save me from everything. SPOILER ALERT: HE DOES NOT. And if that weren't sad enough, this episode is the most boring thing to ever happen on television ever, including everything that has ever aired on CSPAN. And if THAT weren't sad enough, the episode opens with Dawson and Joey making out.
Outside.
On pavement.
And Dawson is wearing shoes and socks.
Read MoreJoey and Dawson are totally making out during an infomercial for an at-home sausage maker. That is not a euphemism.
They show a lot of these close-ups of sausage. I feel uncomfortable. Anyway, then the Leerys come in and turn off the sausage show and stare at Joey and Dawson on the bed. Joey has been sleeping over for years and the Leerys have never popped in to check on them, so I’m not sure why it’s happening now or why Mr. Leery is wearing a wifebeater to do it. Maybe the Leerys actually do come in to Dawson's room every night and stare at the two of them sleeping, which probably makes more sense, given the personality disorders of every character on this show.
Read MoreI took last week off because there is only so much of this one person can handle in consecutive weeks before her brain starts to hurt. Anyway, hi, y'all! I'm soldiering on to season two. Don't get too excited. Let's just take this a season at a time, you and me. My tolerance could just run out at any time. Lest you be worried that that week off will leave you confused about where we are in the Dawson universe, WORRY NOT.
We're picking up right where we left off, with dramatical kissing silhouettes! I take this to mean they've been standing there kissing for two straight weeks, since I finished the last episode of the first godforsaken season. Since that is a long ass time to be kissing, it's time for them to break apart and discuss the fact that they kissed and what it means that they kissed, and then to dedicate some time to acting awkward about the fact that they kissed and accusing each other of not wanting to have kissed. This goes on until Joey throws a tantrum and Dawson shuts her up by kissing her.
Read MorePer usual, the episode (real title: "Decisions") opens with Dawson and Joey's standing movie date, except this time she's complaining about how said standing movie date is so predictable. This conversation turns to the topic of cliffhangers on TV shows and how they're always so predictable and never result in anything changing, which is clearly a very pathetic attempt at having the characters discuss their own situation. I like to imagine the Dawson's writers thought this was clever, but it's mostly just awkward and serves only to reaffirm that Joey is an unpleasant, whiny girl. The great cliffhanger, if you will, is why this girl has any friends at all.
To open episode 10 (real title: "The Scare"), Joey and Dawson watch "I Know What You Did Last Summer" in honor of the next day, which happens to be Friday the 13th. Dawson looks really happy that Sarah Michelle Gellar is about to bite it. Again, why Joey hangs out in his room alone with him all the time remains a mystery.
Episode 8 (real title: "Boyfriend") opens with Dawson in his room watching TV alone. He comes upon a scrambled porn channel and spends zero time trying to watch it, proving once more that he is not a normal teenage boy.
At the beginning of episode 7 (real title: "Detention") , Joey and Dawson are once again hanging out in his room watching TV. Seven episodes in I feel qualified to assume that this is just how every episode ever is going to open, but at least this time they are also hanging out with ET.
Episode 6 (real title: "Baby") opens with Joey and Dawson watching a movie. She says she has to leave because her sister's all pregnant and about to pop, and then we find out that Jen is there too. She feels awkward for intruding on Joey and Dawson's "personal ritual" of watching movies in his creepy room. Turns out Joey feels awkward that she's there, too, so the two of them have a passive-aggressive conversation about how they should both leave. Throughout all of this, Joey is wearing overalls. Short overalls.
Episode 5 (real title: "Hurricane") opens with ominous music and a shot of a table in Dawson's room. There’s his weird framed photo of Spielberg and a BABY DOLL HEAD
and Joey’s there and they're watching movies, naturally, and I do not know why she keeps coming back into his room, for a lot of reasons,but right now, specifically, BABY DOLL HEAD.
Episode four (real title: "Discovery") opens in Dawson's room, where Dawson and Joey are watching footage of Jen walking in slow motion.
Joey is super annoyed at having to watch this slow-motion reel of Jen walking and decides to use the footage to predict Jen's future (maybe she also has access to the DVDs). Apparently, Jen is going to attend a small liberal arts college, marry a bond trader and have boring kids in Connecticut. Joey sucks at this game because she doesn't mention Heath Ledger at all. Dawson changes the subject and asks Joey what he should get his parents for their anniversary, but before Joey can answer Pacey and Tamara's sex tape pops up on the screen. They realize pretty quickly that the woman is Tamara, but they can't tell that the dude is Pacey because the only part of him that appears is the side of his ear. That makes it a pretty bad sex tape. Since Dawson technically filmed it, I imagine that's a blow to his ego.
Episode three opens with Dawson and Joey in his room watching "From Here to Eternity." I have never seen this movie and I don't know what it's about but it's got that iconic scene with the guy and girl making out hardcore on the beach, which most people recognize, I think. That scene is supposed be the pinnacle of movie romance, but Dawson keeps pausing it in places that make it look like the guy (Montgomery Clift, I think) is just giving the girl (Deborah Kerr) mouth-to-mouth. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING, DAWSON.